how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Randomize
