Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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