id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Randomize
