the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
