I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
