Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
you traded sex for a burrito?
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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