youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Randomize
