Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
