I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
