I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
