I'm sorry my penis didn't work
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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