On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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