A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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