Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
