is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Is it because I queefed?
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
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