So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
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