i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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