i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize
