He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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