omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
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