I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
