Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
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I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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