Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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