I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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