There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
He shit in the fireplace
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
