He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
