just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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