i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
