three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
