Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
