you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
