I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Randomize
