seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
