A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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