I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
