i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
