I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I checked into jail on foursquare
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
