I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
