Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.