yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Randomize
