Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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