I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
