Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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