we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
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