Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Randomize
