My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize
