i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
