Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
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