So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
