its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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