wakey wakey hands off snakey
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
