she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
