I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
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I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
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Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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