textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
It's blow job season.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
is that a dick in a sweater?
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
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