she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
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