I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Randomize
