new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I just forgot I was standing up.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
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