don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Randomize
