i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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