she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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