i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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